I Miss Me..

.........Officially the worst blogger ever. Looking backwards, was only 2 months since the last two. Presuming I just quit writing.
          Why is that? That question, followed by a few others led to the inspiration for the next few paragraphs you have subjected yourself to.

           When I was a little girl, I was blessed to be raised in a family that was solid. We may not have been prime family of my hometown. But I woke up each morning, and feel asleep each night certain of it. I knew my dad and my mom would be there in the morning, knew my brothers would too. Never had to worry about a roof over my head or support on the things I wanted to do. My parents about killed themselves carrying us from one practice to another. I developed a love for so many things.
          One of which was writing. Man, I loved to sit in an empty room with a piece of paper and pen. Just sit there. Open my mind and see what I could create on a blank piece of paper. I never knew if it would be a poem, lyrics, or just spouting my mind onto the canvas in-front of me.
           Music--any of you who know me, know I am passionate about this. There have been many times in my life were music has been my outlet to pull me through. Also, those in which it led me astray. Nothing beat my passion for music.
          Until, I started writing it! Two of my favorite things in one! Brillant. I LOVED to write. To escape into a world where there was no day, no night. Sometimes forgetting to eat until my stomach reminded me. A time when nothing mattered accept melody, harmony, and lyrics. Hours of Brillance.
          All of this leads me to my point for this little blog, I MISS ME!
Now, I am all grown up. Hit the big 30 this year. I am very blessed. There have been struggles, however, life is falling into place. I have an amazing job, great family, positive, God fearing friends. It is a life most would dream of. Most days, this life is all I ever dreamed it would be, and this blog is in no way a complaint or woe is me.....I just miss me.
          Who am I? ---I am wife, mom, boss, house keeper, referee, sheriff, listener, advice giver. All of these are good things. But where is me?
           I miss me. I miss the passion behind my writing. I miss getting lost in hours with no time. I miss taking a blank piece of paper and making it something. I miss sharing a meal with someone over intelligent conversation, with no boundary of time or thoughts.
           I miss when I was fun. The life of the party. I remember the days when my husband called me the total package. I'm certain now this is no longer his opinion. The stress of a job, family and home have really gotten to me. I can not enjoy time with the kids, for fear of the mess they are making. I can not enjoy time with my husband, because I am too worried about how we no longer date like we used to. I can not enjoy time at my home, because of the things that are just waiting to be done.
    There is no lesson or wisdom to be found here. That is about all I have. But maybe someone will read this and know that tonight, as they sit in their home, and the rest of the world looks in seeing the life she works so hard to put together, know she is not alone in feeling like maybe the glue is just loosening it's grasp.

Keep Praying,
--Much Love

Ashleigh Mc

Once upon a time

Written for those i know who often hurt in silence. 

Once upon a time, he vowed to never hurt her and never see her cry

So sure was he that be promised to take her by his side.

Tears now flow in darkness bc the light brings no valadation

Just more guilt to carry and emotions to question. 

Nothing is gained by the liquid on her cheeks, 

It Only Hurts His spirit--These Tears They Must Not Speak

For the only thing that hurts worse than the inadequacy he conjures

Is the awareness that she may breed it in the one standing before her

so again she dries these tears and looks above for strength. 

For tomorrow she must waken with the will to move on 

in hopes that her once upon a time is not truly gone.

Keep praying

-@mc

Praise Report

No Questions JUST Thanks

     Good Afternoon Bloggers, Social Media, Family, and Friends! I hope that each of you is having a great day living out the Life God has given you! It has been a minute since I have blogged, however today I can barely type fast enough!! 

     I have struggle often with prayer. Sometimes, I feel that I ask way more than I show gratitude when speaking to our Savior. For today, I want to focus on just Praising Him who created us, loved us, and gave His Son to die for our regrets, whether they be past or future. 

     This morning after getting up early, cooking breakfast, mild home chores, and getting all the kiddos ready for school, we left the house. Corey and Khlo off to West Madison, and the other three and myself to Monrovia Elementary! As the kids got out of the car, I kissed them all, told him to have a great day, Cole not to hit anyone, and let them out into the world. I had to wait there for a moment to allow the car infront of me to finish their unload. While I did, I hear this sweet little "Bye Mom-I love you, Bye Mom!" I look right and my son, so grown and big is walking into the gym himself. In front of his sisters, he walks with excitement and all the while repeating this sentence and waving. My heart was FULL! The girls behind him a little more anxious. They had a good day yesterday, but admittedly a little older and that makes it harder. I then went off to the Doctor, and even found gratitude that my Co-Pay went down. Off to Khlo's school because she forgot her glasses, and finally headed to work. I will spend the next couple hours catching up on some work I have left over for the week. Then return to pick up kids, talk about days, cook dinner, and rest into bed all sleeping sound upstairs with the love of my life beside me! 

Gratitude has hit me like a TON of Bricks!!

    Today--- I will not ask for ANYTHING! Just PRAISE my God for allowing my life to be where it is today! 

Giving thanks for a Creator who loved me before I entered this world, and Placed me into it with a plan for His will. Who came out of Heaven in the Form of a Man to DIE for the mistakes I have made and will in the future, to make a way for the children I did not know I would have to live with us eternally when I am called home. 

Giving thanks for an amazing husband who provides beyond requirement, enthusiastically. Who carries his load in our home. Loves me irrationally, and stands beside me with pride.

 Giving thanks for my 4 amazing children, those whom I brought into this world, and my Bonus child!

 Giving thanks for Khloieys mother for raising her and being so great with Corey and myself in the efforts to ensure Khlo has a safe, healthly upbringing. For her concern for my childen, and acceptance of them as Khloiey's step children.

 Thanks for parents and a family who will stand by and support me no matter the mistakes I have made, or if they are in agreeance with my decisions and the discernment to know the difference. 

Thanks for the ROCK who is my father. The patience he exudes with myself and my siblings. The love he shows to my children. The wisdom he lives. 

Thanks for the CONSTANTANCE of my mother, who gives WILLINGLY of herself for myself and my children. 

Giving thanks for the Roof that is over my head, the vehicle that transports my children.

Thanks for small co-pays. HAHA  (it's the little things)

After I look back and re-read over this list. There is SO much to add, but for sake of time, I will not. I can't help but ask myself, "How amazing would my life be, if I lived EVERY day this Thankful!?" Not just an unspoken gratitude that is assumed, but a very LITERAL and IRRATIONAL gratitude. To be alive, and breathing, and walking in God's Purpose for my life! 

Automatically there comes a sense of endurance, peace, happiness I have NEVER experienced before! 

Today I Urge you, Find the Irrational Gratitude inside of you. Tell those you are thankful for, thank you! And Praise God Almighty, who makes it ALL possible! 

MUCH LOVE

Ashleigh MC!

SILENT STORMS

SILENT STORMS

    Well....I did not expect to blog again so soon. It is easy for these things to become monotonous. That is not my intention, therefore I try to not blog to often. But in the past few days I have really felt a brokenness in my heart, and writing is sort-of my therapy, so here it goes! 

    

    Today, I hurt for those who do not hurt publicly. I am privileged to know some strong people in my life. Looking from the outside, you would never know the trouble in their heart. Work is well, children are happy, smiles at church, but behind their walls something is missing, or even tormenting them. They are often the very people who try to share happiness with the world. Recently, I've learned those people hurt to. And I think we slight them quite often, by not asking. 

    I do not mean we should inquire as to what is wrong with everyone. However, not to take for granted just because the show is smiles, the soul is also. Life affects us all. Spouses fight, children stress, work weakens. 

    I suggest by investing in someone to listen to them. You just may be the ear they need to release whatever is holding them back. 

    The trouble with those of strength is they do not reveal often. They are not able to take the advice they so often give. Aware of the need to change their outlook, and consciously change their attitude only creating anger and guilt for not being able to do so.   They will hurt internally until pieces of them die. All of the sudden, those who once seemed so strong, look tired. These people need encouragement too. 

   I truly feel the worst thing you can do is dismiss someone's problems. Whether by denying them, or justifying why they are that way. Reality is that does NOT work. Whether you feel they are justified or not, people's feelings are real. Is it so hard for us to just empathize with someone we love and provide their needs? 

   --Off Soap Box--

I URGE YOU TO ENCOURAGE SOMEONE TODAY! 

MUCH LOVE,

ASHLEIGH MC!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

     What does it really mean? Do people honestly forgive? I always heard Forgive and Forget. What exactly does that mean? Can you forgive someone truthfully without forgetting? Am I suppose to literally forget the even never happened? Is harboring a grudge a sin? What does God say about this? Is forgiveness a noun or verb? I have struggled with this for years. I defiantly do not think I have it figured out, however I do think I have a better understanding after the past few days of studying this than I ever did before. I always debate what to blog or if to blog, however seems as though today, God has sent me a GREEN light on this one. 

    By definition (Webster via Google because who actually LOOKS in a dictionary anymore) 

Forgiveness: Noun- The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. WELL- That is not much help, so onward we dig...

Forgive: Verb- Stop feeling angry or resentful for flaw or mistake. 

NOW WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE!!!

   Seems pretty simple. We just have to stop feeling? Shouldn't be too hard. However, via FBI statistics as of June 2014, Murder rates have increased higher than most developed countries. It is hard for me not to believe that many of these are due to the inability to forgive. This is a real problem. The answer to this is the answer to PEACE. I want it to be clear, that I believe "feelings" are intentional. As stated in the above definition, to stop FEELING is a verb. This means, it requires an action. Don't get me wrong, there are events which happen in our lives that require emotional response obviously. But I want to set the groundwork, that I truly believe we are in control of our feelings, therefore we have the foundation to accept accountability ourselves and subsequently take action. Hopefully impacting our environment and surroundings for good. 

    I often find that I think I have forgiven, and dealt with opposition, only to realize, I am still holding on. The words of one of my pastors comes to mind, who said "You've got to deal with your STUFF, you may have thought you did, but you got to really DEAL with it. LET it go COMPLETELY!!" (This pretty much sums up the whole blog, so don't feel  you have to continue reading, haha, but If you'd like go ahead).... 

FORGIVE AND FORGET

    Our great Savior makes it pretty clear. We are commanded to Forgive those who oppress us (Mark 11:26). If do not forgive the mistakes of others, we can not expect ours to be forgiven. I know this is hard. I struggle with this daily. But I am too stubborn to give up my home in Heaven, because I held on to the anger I allowed into my heart for someone who didn't care enough about me to not hurt me. Secondly to that- the Lord sets an example for us in Hebrews 10:16f when it is written "Their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." The biggest shoes  we will forever and with no fulfillment reach for, are those of our Creator. But in striving to be closer to Him daily, I think we must not only forgive, but forget. 

   I do not think this means we literally do not remember, because often these moments in our lives are impactful. But YOU GOT TO LET IT GO! Don't bring it up again. Once it is dealt with, let it die. In moments of anger or disappointment moving forward, fight the temptation to pull it out of the arsenal as ammunition. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who can not let it go, who continues to blame his or her actions on it, or bases how they treat you on it--it may be time to..walk away.

WHEN TO WALK AWAY 

So, am I to convict myself I have to just continue to allow people to walk on and hurt me? Do I have to take abuse whether it be physical, mental, or spiritual? What if I did do wrong? What if someone is hurting me because of a mistake I have made initially? 

    We are all entitled to mistakes. It is what makes us HUMAN! However, we are commanded to make them right. I truly feel if you have done everything in your power to make it right, and maybe those you've hurt can not forgive, or even just not yet, WALK AWAY. If you feel you can not longer continue a relationship with that person, turn around and move on. It will only hold you down and affect those whom are around you. Staying in an unhealthy situation will infect you.  

    Disclaimer: I do not feel RUNNING is the answer. I feel strongly that although that seems as the easy way out--It's NOT! This was always my go to, my safe place previously. It never is the right answer. You end up alone, and nothing is complete. 

I conclude with this: 

Romans 12:17f--Render to no man evil for evil. Take thought for things honorable in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as in you lieth, be at peace with all men. Avenge not yourselves, beloved, but give place unto the wrath of God: for it is written, "Vengeance belongeth unto me; I will recompense, saith the Lord. But if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head. Be not Overcome of evil, but overcome evil with GOOD! 

SO- Good LUCK! Keep praying, Keep Loving! 

    

The Past

Hey Hey!

 Just sitting in my room.

 TV is on something, but couldn't tell you what. 

All the Kids are sleeping. 

Corey is at Praise and Worship rehearsal! 

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS>>

This means that I AM ALONE!! This does not happen often. So, what should I do? My brain can't help but think. The past few months there has been so much change in my life. All of it for the better. I have never been so happy as I am now. But with all growth comes some struggle. Unfortunately, I have been forced to open doors of my past and expunge the lies that was created from it. This process has been a blessing in that it shows me just how far I have come. However, my A.D.H.D. brain will not stop there. I have gone on to ponder on this place of existence, the Past! 

Most of these thoughts have only brought questions. It is so abnormal to look back on your life and really feel as though you have lived two. What part of what is behind you do you bring forward? Where do you draw the line between lessons learned and being a slave to your mistakes? 

I have found peace that I have been forgiven for my Sins. The past is no more in the eyes of my God. However, humanity isn't always as kind. Few people believe in true maturation and change. I used to be the person. I was very judgmental of people who professed to had changed. How must we respond to these people? As a follower of God, who strives only to serve Him, how are we to respond to those who only for reason of our past, judge the change within us? 

And-there are others' past. The past of those whom have entered into our lives. In the midst of all the blessing they may bring, how do you handle the lives they have lived? I do not mean one of sin, or their ability to move on. I genuinely am searching for the ability to not compare myself, or lives to the remnants of another. 

Conclusion: Choose Wisely who  you share intimate moments with. And I do not just mean sexual ones. I mean life events. Things that can never be replaced. I can only conclude the BEST way to deal with the past is contemplate your future. One of the biggest realizations I have come to recently is how important the decisions I made either for an escape or just being stubborn, were. 

Make memories with those you love and those who love you. Invest in those who will invest in you. Realize there are SEASONS in your life. Very few people you come into contact with will remain with you forever. Appreciate the ones who do, and learn from the ones who don't. 

Above all, Lean on YOUR creator! Search his word. Accept Him as your Savior, and Take everything to Him. He will always be with you. He will never hold something you did two years ago against you. He will guide your life in the way HE has planned for you. And it will be BETTER than anything you have Ever known. My wish for you is all these. That you also may find yourself alone, reveling in the blessings He has given you. 

And with that MY HUBBY is HOME :) 

Good Night :) 

Find your Purpose then Loose Yourself

Hello again! It has been a minute since my last blog! First, I hope you are all well and enjoying blessings daily. While doing some preparation today, I ran across some material and did some thinking...result

NEW BLOG POST! 

Hope you Enjoy!

I feel so blessed to witness God working every day I awaken. It is amazing the things that have been opened to me since embracing the freedom only my Creator can give. Recently, Pastor Jason has began leading our church in a message on Legacy. With the passion I carry for leadership, I am ULTRA excited about this series. I literally count down to Sunday. This, partnered today with my passion, as I was asked to do some leadership training again. Oh, how I miss leadership training. 

While I was doing some research to prepare for the next couple of weeks in secular business, I was revived. I could feel the energy in my hands as I wrote agendas for the training, set goals on what we wanted to accomplish, identified obstacles we may encounter. Even thinking about it, I get butterflies. However, today was different. While preparing the training today, I noticed that I pulled quite a bit of the information from notes I had written in church on Sunday! And that my friends, is the conception of this blog!

Tonight, I want to pose to you a challenge.

 It's not directly from me. It is found within the depths of all of you. It most definitely was in me. It is the motivation to move forward. It is the question that keeps us up at night. It is the quest that often times is never finished. In it's absence, it is the cause of harmful choices. It is the challenge to:

 Find Your Purpose

We have heard of this. It is nothing new. However, I promise you the challenge does not end there. I also challenge you to:

Loose Yourself

 We are all created with Purpose. We were deliberately created. We are not the result of some random explosion. We were made by a divine Creator and Savior, and He has distinct plans for you! (Jeremiah: 29:11)

I know what you are thinking. "Ok, if I was created with a purpose, how do I find it?" 

What are you Passionate about? 

Passion is the great energizer. Most often in life, passion links with Purpose. Passion always stands out and sets you apart from the crowd. Passion breeds hope. When things seem impossible, it is the very core of what will keep you going. We were never promised living out our purpose will be easy. Eventually you will need the energy produced to take the extra step, step out of your comfort zone, walk deeper into the ocean. 

What are you Good at? 

What are your strengths? What Gifts do you have? God gave you gifts. When you find them, you will be good at them. You will be energized by them. You will have the Opportunity to use them, and create the capacity to develop them. 

This reminds me of something I teach leaders regarding Positioning people. It is called the Quadrant of Doing Theory. This theory encourages people to find their quadrant of doing, which is made up of what one likes to do and what he/she is good at. This is success. 

When I think of success and finding purpose, I can't help but then to ask myself, "What is the difference between success and significance?"  Honestly, there was once a time when I didn't feel there was a difference. But today it was so clearly revealed to me.

Success adds Value to Ones Self, Significance adds Value to Others.

There are very few people I have came across in my life that get this part right. My mother in law, Janet McMullen, is one of these people. She is the professor that will never retire. The one whose job is so much more than the courses she teaches. She found her purpose, and lost herself. Spending many times investing in her students, praying with them, teaching them. Living with a hotline to Heaven. Praying for others daily. 

When your purpose becomes bigger than you, you lose yourself. We often begin because we want to make a difference. If you then strive to make a difference doing something that makes a difference beyond you, you are beginning to lose yourself. Even more maturing to making a difference doing something that makes a difference beyond yourself with other people who make a difference. You are becoming significant.

Jesus tells us in Mark 8: 34-35 "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life would lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." If you are bigger than your purpose you have a career, however when your purpose becomes bigger than you, you have a calling. Imagine putting your purpose to work with people that has eternal factors involved. This my friends, is a whole other level of living. 

That is all my friends- I wish you all blessing and love. 

--Everytime you put ALL of you into someone else, something bigger, EVERYTHING changes.--

-Ashleigh Mc